Marrying His Best Friend Page 9

  “It’s so strange,” she admitted. “Suddenly you’re… kissing me, touching me, and I can feel that you want more… and that changes things. Everything.” She shook her head in consternation, searching his face for clues. “We decide we’re getting married to keep Chloe safe, and all of a sudden you’re acting like you want me, and playing out the fantasy of the perfect fiancée. You’re buying me a big diamond ring, being so smooth, kissing me, acting like this is real… I don’t know how to pretend as easily as you. It’s unnerving.”

  He stared at her. He had so much to say, but he simply didn’t know how.

  She stared back at him balefully and whispered, “I’m just scared, Aidan.”

  I have been, too. “What are you scared of?”

  “Lots of things… but mostly, of losing you.”

  His heart crumbled inside him. He managed to say gruffly, “Not gonna happen.”

  “Really? You love an adventure,” she said. “What happens when the novelty of this adventure wears off, and you turn around and realize you’ve stuck yourself with a wife, and a child that isn’t yours?”

  “I’m making you mine. Both of you. Becoming a family by choice, that is an adventure.”

  “But you don’t have to. And then we’ll be an obligation. The responsibilities attached are massive. They’re going to change your life. And you like your life the way it is. You’ll get angry, resent us, and… what will be worse? You staying and resenting us, or you leaving? I don’t even know. Both are awful to contemplate. Either way, I’d lose you. My favorite person in the world, other than my daughter or my mum.”

  He couldn’t let her see how much her words cut him. She was finally baring her fears to him; he couldn’t reward that with his own angst. So he said nothing, his stomach churning away, trying to figure out the right way to appease her fears without overwhelming her with the depth of his true feelings.

  “What I keep coming back to is, it feels selfish, and even cruel, to tie you to this,” she continued quietly. “To us. Chloe and me.” Her head was bowed, she wouldn’t look at him.

  His head started to throb, traces of a headache forming. He reached up with his free hand to grip her chin. “Do you not want me to be Chloe’s father, is that really it?”

  “My God, no. Aidan, that’s the best part of all this.”

  His eyes narrowed. “You don’t want me to be your husband, then.”

  Her face paled. The freckles that covered her skin seemed to stand out against the alabaster, making her blue-grey eyes vivid. “That’s not it. It’s just that I want… well… a husband who adores me. Yes, you adore me. As a friend. But I want a husband who also burns with passion for me. Who’s in love with me. And that’s not you, is it.”

  He turned away, raking his hands through his hair and over his face before dropping his head into his hands. His blood raced through him, searing, as his chest tightened. “What if I told you it was?” he asked. His hands muffled his words, and he sat up. “What if I told you I wasn’t just going through the motions, that I’m not playacting at this? That I do burn for you, more than you could begin to know? Would you even believe me?”

  She gaped at him. “Are you—are you patronizing me?”

  “Christ! No!” He swore under his breath and shot to his feet. Calling on all his reserves, he stared down at her and bit out. “I can’t win here, no matter what I say. We’re going in circles. It’s ludicrous, really. I’m going mad.”

  “Make me understand!” she cried, bolting to her feet to face him. “Overnight, you’re different. There’s more going on than our plan. What’s changed, why are you so different all of a sudden?”

  “Nothing’s changed!” he shouted. His last threads of control unraveled and frayed as he stared back at her, his heart thumping wildly. The words came pouring out in a wild rush. “I’ve been in love with you from the day I met you, Maura. The only thing that’s changed is this plan finally allows me to act on it. At last.”

  She froze, her eyes and mouth wide with shock.

  “And you don’t believe me, do ya. Nope.” He wanted to shake her. He wanted to punch a wall. “You keep asking why would I do this. Are you that willfully blind? Because I’m in love with you, that’s why. Because you, and your daughter, mean the world to me. Because I found a loophole in the system and I’m willing to take those huge measures to keep Chloe away from that fucking despicable bastard. Her and you.” It was hard to take a breath. His blood pulsed through his veins, pounding in his ears. Something inside told him to stop talking, but the dam had been breached, and it was all gushing out. “You keep questioning me. It’s bloody hurtful, almost ridiculous. I’m the one who’s marrying someone who’s not in love with me. I’m the one who’s trying not to think about how maybe one day you’ll meet a man you could fall in love with, and you’ll be the one resenting tying yourself to me. I do adore you, and I do want you, and you don’t… I mean… you have no idea… bloody hell, that you’ve thought all this time I think of you like a sister!” He raked his hands through his hair and barked out a laugh, the laugh of a man on the edge. “That was the craziest thing I’ve ever heard in my fucking life, I’ll tell ya.”

  She stood there, as pale and still as an ice sculpture. He wondered if she was even breathing, or holding her breath as he ranted. And yes, he was ranting, and he knew it, but couldn’t stop.

  “So there it is, Em, there you go. The truth is out now. Why, why, why, you keep askin’? It’s not some big mystery; the cosmos haven’t shifted off their axis. I’m in love with you, and I’ve been swallowing it for a decade, and now…”

  He stopped short. The shell-shocked look on her face… it wasn’t just disbelief mixed with alarm, it was distress. Her arms were wrapped around her middle, clutching at herself, her face pale and eyes wide. He was shouting at her, for God’s sake.

  He’d done this all wrong. Jaysus, he’d blown it to hell. He scrubbed his hands over his face, turning away. He couldn’t bear the look on her face. He’d never felt so wide open, so… exposed.

  “I have to go.” He lurched toward the door and flung it open, blindly heading for the stairs.

  She didn’t call after him. She didn’t try to stop him.

  He’d never been more embarrassed in his life. He hadn’t just revealed his biggest secret, he’d flung it at her with anger and pent-up frustration. That wasn’t fair to her. There was a lot going on… of course she was confused and off-balance. And what had he done when she’d told him why? For someone who prided himself on being honorable, he’d just lost his mind, and his temper, and left himself twisting in the wind. Humiliation and self-loathing gripped him in the gut, with sharp claws. He walked past Mrs. Callahan even as she said hello, just kept walking, straight out the front door, into the embrace of the cool, dark night.

  Chapter Nine

  ‡

  Maura went down to the kitchen to make tea at six AM. It wasn’t like she’d slept much, anyway. She usually woke at six-thirty, but gave up on rolling around restlessly in her bed, as well as rolling Aidan’s shocking confession around in her head for the hundredth time. I’ve been in love with you from the day I met you, Maura.

  How in almighty hell had she not known? They were best friends. She thought she knew him better than anyone, and he her. She had so many questions…

  Which she started firing at her poor mother as soon as she entered the kitchen.

  “Mornin’,” Peggy yawned with a smile. “You’re up early.”

  The night before, after Aidan had stormed out, Maura had sunk straight into her bed. Now, she poured the story out, unable to stop herself. Peggy listened as she fixed some toast and jam for both of them, pulled two yoghurts out of the refrigerator, and sat at the small table across from her youngest daughter. By the time Maura stopped talking, she was halfway done with her breakfast.

  “Do you think it could be true, Ma?” Maura finally asked in wonder. “And if so, how the hell didn’t I sense it, see it?”

 
“Because you’re bloody blind,” Peggy said with a laugh.

  Maura froze where she sat. “You think so?”

  “That poor boy’s been in love with you forever,” Peggy said. “I wondered if he’d ever get round to telling you so, and it seems he finally has. Good.”

  Maura stared. “You’re serious.”

  “Of course I’m serious!” Peggy sipped her tea. “You didn’t see it because you didn’t want to. You had too much invested in your friendship. It’s safer that way. You didn’t want to get close to another man like that after Niall steamrolled you. But Aidan… sweetheart, every sign in the world’s been there.”

  “Like what?” Maura asked, an edge of defensiveness to her tone.

  “Like how you two went to uni together, but he’d come visit you over every break,” Peggy began. “Like how he went away to business school for two years, but he never lost touch and visited you every free chance he got. Like how he moved back to Dublin, instead of taking that job in London. I remember that.” She nodded as she stirred a bit more sugar into her tea. “The offer in London was a better one. But he didn’t take it. He’s fearless in most things, that one. He would’ve done well there. But he didn’t go. And I always suspected it was because he didn’t want to be that far away from you.”

  “That’s rubbish!” Maura cried.

  “I’d bet this house on that being the case,” Peggy said, dead somber. “Come, now! What’s a young, handsome, single man doing coming round here all the time? Talking to you every day, taking you out, doting on you and your daughter? Buying her presents all the time, offering to whisk you off to New York? Why? Just because you’re besties? No way. He’s mad for you, Maura. I can see it every time he looks at you. It’s all over him. He never told me so, mind, but he didn’t have to.”

  “I…” Maura shook her head and fidgeted with the rim of her tea cup. “I never knew.”

  “Maybe you didn’t let yourself.” Peggy pointed out. “Is this where I remind you how many times you’ve mooned over the fact that Aidan’s the best man you know? You made him your daughter’s godfather, for heaven’s sake. You didn’t let yourself think of him that way because you were afraid to. And he never told you because he was afraid to. You’re both plain scaredy-cats, from what I can see.”

  Maura chewed on her lip as she stared down into her tea. Was her mum right? It seemed too simple.

  She shook her head again. “I don’t think that’s it.”

  “Really?” Peggy leaned in, her large bosom pressing against the edge of the table. “He asked you to marry him.”

  “For Chloe’s sake!” Maura cried. “To keep her safe!”

  “Of course. And it’s a splendid idea. But here’s the thing, he’ll have to be married to you, for the rest of your lives. Committing himself to only you, to living with you, to sharing his life with you. How’s he seemed with that? Ambivalent, resentful? Or happy?”

  That stopped Maura cold. She thought of the look on his face at the jeweler’s, bragging to the saleswoman about how he had the most beautiful fiancée in all of Ireland. She’d rolled her eyes, thinking he was putting it on a bit thick, but the saleswoman had sighed a dreamy sigh and glanced her way with something like envy. Because it rang so true. Like Aidan meant it. The way he looked at her after he said it… all the sweet things he’d said, the comforting things, the supportive things… the look in his eyes after he’d first kissed her in the pub…

  She dropped her head in her hands. “Sweet lord, he’s really in love with me.”

  “That’s right. And fine if you say you didn’t know before, but you do now. So what are you going to do about it?”

  “I have no idea.” She tore at the crust on her toast and stuffed a bite into her mouth. It felt like sandpaper against her dry tongue, and she had to choke it down. “I have to talk to him. I was kind of awful last night. I was just so in shock… when he told me, I didn’t say anything. He looked so upset. And I let him leave like that… oh, God.”

  “Mummy? Gran?” Chloe’s sweet voice entered the kitchen before she did. Wearing her pink Disney princess nightgown, she came in rubbing her eyes. Pieces of her hair stood wildly, having broken free from her braid during the night. “I heared voices.”

  “Good mornin’, sugarplum!” Peggy smiled and pulled the child in for a hug. “Did you sleep well?”

  “Aye,” Chloe answered, even as she yawned. “Do I have to go to school today?”

  Peggy laughed. “Of course you do!”

  “But Mummy’s getting married,” Chloe said. “Isn’t that a special reason not to?”

  “I’m not getting married today, silly,” Maura said, grinning.

  “Oh.” Chloe inclined her head and asked, “When, then?”

  “September,” Maura said.

  “Oh! That’s not too far away. All right.” Chloe smiled. “September what?”

  Maura sipped her tea. “Actually, we didn’t pin down a day yet. Probably the end of the month.”

  “You have to pick a day!” Chloe yelped, wide eyed.

  “I have to do a lot of things,” Maura murmured.

  *

  Maura tapped her pen on the edge of her desk in a frustrated, staccato rhythm, then checked her phone for the thousandth time. Nothing from Aidan, not a word. She had to dive in and do something. It was half past four already, and she’d be leaving soon to get Chloe from day care. She texted him. “Hellooooo?”

  She waited with breath held, nervous. Then she wondered why she was nervous.

  He usually answered right away if he was able. Maybe he was wrapped up in something at work. Maybe he was in the loo. Maybe he didn’t want to answer her. That thought made her stomach do a little twist.

  “Hiya,” came his response text. But that was it.

  “Are we not talking now?” She wrote.

  He didn’t answer right away. A full minute, which felt like twenty, went by before his response came in. “Don’t know what to say just now.”

  Her stomach lurched. Her hands felt tingly as she texted quickly. “Anything. Say anything you want. But don’t shut me out. Please.”

  Another long pause before he answered. “I feel like an arse, Em. Split myself wide open last night. Out of all the scenarios I imagined for telling you, how it went down last night wasn’t it. Just licking my wounds here. I’ll be fine.”

  “Oh, Aidan,” she whispered, her heart squeezing. His pain was palpable to her, even as he was trying to hide it. “I’m sorry I let you leave like that. We really should talk about it.” She wrote.

  “I know.” He wrote back. “But not now.”

  Her breath caught in her lungs, making her chest tight. She pounded out his number and listened to it ring once, twice, three times, four, until his voice mail picked up and she clicked off the call.

  “Not picking it up, Em.” He wrote. “Give me a day or two, I’ll be fine. There’s nothing for you to worry about. We’ll still go with the plan, and we’ll work around all the rest.”

  “Bloody hell.” She spat under her breath, dialing again.

  This time, he picked up on the third ring. “Please, Em. Not now. I’m still at work.”

  “So you’re going to ignore me until the weekend?” She hurled at him.

  “No. I just—”

  “How dare you!” She hissed. “How dare you tell me something so important, and then not give me a chance to discuss it with you. You’ve decided what I want, without hearing me out. That’s pure shite, Aidan. I never took you for a coward.”

  Icy quiet radiated from his end until he finally spoke. “I’m not.”

  “Then talk to me, don’t shut me out.”

  In a low, tight whisper, he ground out. “There are four people in my office right now, Maura. Can we please discuss this later?”

  Shame broke over her like an ocean wave, harsh and furious. “I’m so sorry. Of course. Bye.” She ended the call and buried her burning face in her hands as she quipped to herself. “That went well.”<
br />
  *

  As Maura held her hand and they walked away from the preschool, Chloe happily babbled on about her day. Maura had parked a block away. When they got to the car, as if from nowhere, Niall appeared before them. “Hello there.”

  Maura’s stomach fell, as if she were on a dizzying ride at an amusement park. “What are you doing here?”

  “Was hoping to chat,” Niall said, but his eyes were glued to their daughter. “Holy Christ, she’s the spittin’ image of you. Without all the freckles.”

  Chloe looked back up at him curiously. “Who’s this, Mummy?”

  Maura’s heart took off with a gallop, and she fought to appear calm. “Ehm… this is… someone I used to know,” she finally said.

  Her eyes pinned Niall, imploring with him. Please don’t frighten her. Please don’t say something awful.

  He crouched down to get to eye level with Chloe. Maura gripped her hand tightly, pulling her in closer to her side.

  “Hello, Chloe,” he said. “I’ve heard so much about you. You’re a lovely girl.”

  “Thank you.” Chloe smiled, her manners always in place, as Maura had taught her. “What’s your name?”

  “Niall.” He reached out a hand to shake hers. “Has your mum ever told you anything about me?”

  Maura’s blood coursed through her with rage. “No,” she said sharply. “After all, I haven’t seen you in so long, why would I have?”

  He straightened, his dark eyes spearing her. “Nothing, eh?”

  “Nothing,” Maura replied, not backing down or letting him intimidate her. “I have to get Chloe home to supper now.” She opened the car door and ushered the girl inside. “Give me a minute, okay, sweetie?” She kissed Chloe firmly on the forehead, trying to catch her own breath, which felt stuck in her chest. Closing the door, she turned back to Niall. “Are you following me?”

  He shrugged. “I wanted to see my daughter.”

  “And now you have. With another ambush,” she bit out. “What a standup gentleman you are, resorting to stalker tactics.”

  “Well, you won’t talk to me, so you leave me no choice,” he said.